It is that time of year that most Internationals dread; transition time.

It is time for my final project for the Culturally Relevant teaching course to go "live". I have spent the past few weeks writing blog posts, searching the internet for activities, thinking of all the things I have experienced or created myself that I want to share. Gosh there is a world of information out there, from pictures, to quotes, to blogs, to books, to video's and even songs. It was hard for me to keep the focus on activities and tips for the classroom and as I have worked on this project; it is very clear to me that this blog will continue to be a work in progress. I hope that, together with other teachers, this space will become one where we can learn from each other, laugh with each other, share with each other and know that there is so much personal experience out there just waiting to be explored.  I look forward to hearing from you.

It is April and in about 2 more months the school that I work at will finish the 2015-2016 Academic year. This is a stressful time for all of us; the end of a school year always is. However, for us expats there is another stressor that I feel is often minimized. At the end of a school year there is a lot of transition. Students are moving on, that fantastic classroom parent is moving on, the colleague who has become your friend is moving on, and on goes the list. Everyone of us knows that saying goodbye is part of moving. We all have different ways of participating in the process of goodbye. Many of us are not good at saying goodbye. Because it hurts and because we have to be vulnerable, and being vulnerable is scary. However.....

So my first tip as a blogger: is that we all participate in the act of goodbye. Whether you are the one moving on, or the one staying behind. There is a lot of information out there on how saying goodbye or not saying goodbye impacts the leaver. Slowly the focus is shifting to the ones who are staying behind. I have shared some blogposts that have been written on this topic by a cross cultural trainer by the name of Jerry Jones. It is a good starting point for those of us who do not move every three years however watch everyone else around us move. The challenge to you is to stop watching but to participate in the goodbye, because you have been a part of the "leaver's" journey and they of yours. 

“If you go away from a place without saying good-bye to it – not just to people, but to the place itself – you’ll carry this strange anchor behind you. You can’t say good hellos if you haven’t said good good-byes (Pollock 1989).”

It will be difficult to welcome new colleagues into your department if you have no "room" to say hello. It will be challenging to open yourself up to your classroom if you have not acknowledged that great group of seniors, or that one student in your class who made a difference to your teaching, or your day. There are more students like that out there but if we are not willing to say goodbye to the "old" ones, I strongly believe that we cannot welcome the new ones as well.

As you see on my blog, I have shared activities and at the moment mostly those that focus on goodbyes. I have shared some articles which I think are interesting and written by other bloggers with goodbye as a theme.

My second tip: is to start your goodbye's soon. Take it from me the last few weeks of school for those who are leaving are filled with packing boxes, filling in paper work for the new country, end of year functions, etc. For those not moving it is a time to finish schoolwork, maybe move houses, maybe move classrooms and in many cases try not to think of the people who are leaving. If you plan a last weekend away, a shopping spree, dinner at that favorite restaurant, making that photo shoot now; there is emotional room to enjoy it, to feel it, to share it, and to remember it. Instead of it becoming another check off on the list of things to do before I go while mentally, emotionally and physically drained from the ending of a school year and a time in this place.


My third tip: don't say goodbye, say see you soon; and focus on that.
The world we now live in has become so small. Gone are the days of having to wait to receive a letter by airmail, or making an appointment with the dispatcher to make an international phone call. There are all sorts of ways to stay instantly in touch, no matter the time difference, no matter the language, no matter the distance. Which also makes the transition easier, you can "walk" through the new house on skype, you can take a picture of your new favorite coffee place and instantly share it. The possibilities to stay connected while not near each other is so much easier now in 2016.

My last tip for my first blog post ever: Be kind to yourself and those around you.

All of us experience and travel through this journey in our own way. However, there is a lot of recognition, there is a lot of shared experiences. And although our emotions are our own and so are our memories sharing the load makes the ride a whole lot easier.  Smiles and Tears, and heart ache and joy, sadness and anger, may be spelled differently in all of our languages, they may be demonstrated differently, they may be celebrated or frowned upon in different cultures. However as human beings, as Internationals on the inside we all have feelings. Allow yourself to feel them, it will help the transition. Trust me, I know. 

Interesting write up on TCK's and Grief - written by Taylor Murray

7 Spot-On Ways TCKs Deal with Grief

Posted on December 7, 2015 by Taylor - BLOG

One thing all TCKs have in common? Grief.

What is the most common reason adult TCKs seek counseling? “Unresolved loss and grief,” writes expat counselor Kay Bruner in her article “Ask a Counselor: How do we Process Loss and Grief?”

You see, TCKs attend many funerals. Hidden, heart-level funerals felt in the depths of our hearts.With each transition in our lives, we experience the “death” of friendships, houses, lifestyles, routines, and traditions.

Some of these losses are significant. Others don’t appear grief-worthy. Who knew I would cry tears of longing over smells? Sights? Sounds? Tastes?

“But eventually, all of these little things pile up,” one ATCK in her mid-twenties told me over coffee one recent rainy afternoon, “until you feel huge, heavy loss that you don’t know what to do with.” When the loss is great, most TCKs search for a hasty escape from this burden of sadness.

In an effort to appear as though everything is “just fine,” they deal with their grief in one (or many!) of these seven ways:

#1 The Stuffer

The Stuffer’s primary thought is “I don’t go there.” They refuse to deal with the emotions in their hearts that emerge from loss and grief.

 End Result: Their grief manifests itself through anger until they can’t contain it anymore. They eventually reach an “exploding point.”

#2 The Denier

The Denier’s primary thought is “That didn’t happen to me.” They refuse to acknowledge or talk about their losses.

 End Result: They eventually become caught in unprocessed experiences and unspoken sorrow.   They also tend to hide their TCK upbringings from non-TCKs.

#3 The Numb (er)

The Numb(er)’ s primary thought is “I don’t feel that.” They refuse to feel grief, detaching themselves emotionally.

End Result: Because emotions are numbed collectively, they can’t just numb their grief. In their efforts to quench their sorrow, they also numb their joy.

#4 The Dweller

The Dweller’s primary thought is “I’m stuck. I can’t move forward.”  They become too attached to their losses. They refuse to acknowledge them, grieve them, and then move on.

End Result: Always looking back, they can’t grow new roots in new locations. They tend to talk incessantly about their TCK struggles. Accepting their current circumstances can be extremely difficult. 

#5 The Forgetter

The Forgetter’s primary thought is “I’m excited. Forget the past and dive into the future.” Throwing their energy and focus into their changing circumstances, they’re too busy to grieve.

End Result: About six months to a year after this transition, they are typically overwhelmed with massive amounts of unexpected grief and regret.

#6 The Faker

The Faker’s primary thought is “I’m not supposed to be sad.” Usually, they feel as though they don’t have permission to grieve.

End Result: As their grief piles high, they hide behind a false façade of enthusiasm. But they soon grow accustomed to shoving hurt or pain behind this always-ready façade instead of expressing and processing sorrow.

 #7 The Tougher

The Tougher’s primary thought is “I have to be strong. I don’t want to be an annoyance.” They choose to ‘suck it up,’ refusing to show their grief for fear of appearing weak, too sensitive, or bothersome to others.

End Result: Their unresolved grief becomes stifling. They soon build a wall of bitterness around their hearts, showing irritation or impatience towards those who openly express their grief.

~

TCKs have become experts at not grieving. We’ve forgotten that the act of grieving keeps us connected to the things we’ve lost. We’ve become accustomed to banning grief. We treat it like a game of Hot Potatoes—tossing it up and away from us for fear of getting burned.

“Most TCKs go through more grief experiences by the time they are 20 than mono-cultural individuals do in a lifetime,” said David Pollock, a pioneer in TCK research.

And deep inside us, beyond the fear of being misunderstood or of appearing weak, we fear that if we open our hearts to this grief within, we will be overwhelmed by it.

But healing doesn’t come when we ban grief.

Healing doesn’t come when we stuff, numb, deny, dwell, forget, fake, or tough our losses.

Healing comes when we choose to feel grief.

Which of these ways do you deal with losses? Do you find yourself banning grief? 

Illustrations by Sydney Murray

Why traditions are critical in TCK Schools, written by Libby Stephens, a third culture kid consultant.

This woman is speaking my language. A comment that I heard floating in the hallway of an International school was that Traditions were not important. As a TCK, I automatically felt baffled by this comment. Reading Libby Stephens article on the topic of Traditions, I knew that my feelings were justified. But more importantly she put my emotions into words. 

Libby Stephens is a Third Culture Kid consultant, conducting Transition Training, Pre-departure Training, and Third Culture Kid Seminars all around the world. Click on her name to read more on all the wonderful things she does for International schools. Libby Stephens

Why Traditions are Critical in TCK Schools

Created on Wednesday, 02 March 2011 23:04

Category: Schools

Celebrating traditions is very important in the TCK school.  Why are traditions so important? And who are they important to? Here are some thoughts I have had after observing a number of international schools over the years.

Traditions: festivals, graduation, trips, music performances... are important to your students; though they may not realize it until years after they have left your fine institution. I have had the pleasure of talking to many Adult Third Culture Kids who fondly remember traditions of their overseas school.  Traditions are also important for current students, before they leave school. If you have ever tried changing a tradition in the TCK school it might at times feel like student revolt:
"Hey, what are you doing? This is my school you are changing!"; "Hey, I have been here longer than you have Mr. Teacher or Ms. Administrator, three years… who are you to change the traditions of my school?"

Traditions are also important for the school’s staff given the perpetual change within the TCK school. Often student bodies and staff turnover reaches 30% and higher yearly. The “constants” in the overseas school are relatively rare.  Sure, the grading system, the curriculum and vision statement remain fairly stable but often the very carriers of tradition move on and sadly take traditions or their meaning with them. And while an environment of “newness” and “freshness” can be exciting and motivating, it is the constants – the traditions we have- that help keep the overseas school grounded.

Interestingly, parents are also highly protective of school traditions. Traditions allow for parental pride as they see their children taking part in such an elite and selective school. More importantly however, for many overseas families the international school is the main source stability in the midst of the chaos of transition. The traditions of the international school give a sense of security for their children at a time when parents may be asking themselves if they have done the right thing by taking their child away from “home”, family and friends in their passport country.

 As a passionate advocate for Third Culture Kids, I believe traditions are critical for several reasons:

 1.   Traditions foster stability.
In the midst of the eternal changes that the international school faces, traditions are reminders that things are as they should be. Regardless of a new student body and staff turnover, there is a sense of the familiar and in spite of all the change, the “school” remains the same. What a great thing to offer our student bodies and families who seem to be all too familiar with the uncertainties of change and transition.

2.  Traditions create a sense of belonging.
Traditions help both students and staff develop a sense of belonging within the international school. It doesn't take long for staff and students to take on traditions as their own. This develops in them a real sense of ownership and commitment to the overseas school. This loyalty is often seen for decades in the lives of alumni across the globe.

 3.  Traditions allow TCKs to move forward.
Traditions are a sort of right of passage for the future.  It’s about thinking back to be able to move forward. The senior trip, the prom or the graduation ceremony are all traditions seen as “must haves” in a school. They mark a time of transition while at the same time reflecting sameness. It is often the school traditions that our students relive in their minds as they think back to their time in the overseas school or as they begin to close out their education at our schools.